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davidf
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Re: A Perfect World
Reply #4 - Oct 4th, 2011 at 1:56am
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Daniel, sunilmathur and nas,
Thanks for the revisions a nd suggestions.  I will consider them all.
~Davidf
  
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sunilmathur
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Re: A Perfect World
Reply #3 - Oct 3rd, 2011 at 3:52pm
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Keeping the intended seven syllables to a line, and avoiding the repetition of 'Lord' in such a short poem, I have attempted to re-draft it as follows:

God, grant me a perfect world
where the Sun will always shine.
You, who turned water to wine,
can surely do this, my Lord.
  
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Just_Daniel
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Re: A Perfect World
Reply #2 - Sep 27th, 2011 at 12:57pm
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I like the thought of this very much, David... and it WILL become a reality for those who follow Him into eternity.

nas' concern about line length doesn't matter, of course, if this is to be free verse, but you've rhymed two lines and near-rhymed the other two... so I'd kind of expect to see rhythm as well, though that's not a requisite.  I'd also eliminate one of the two 'Lord's, ya think?  Smiley

Maybe something like this:davidf wrote on Sep 25th, 2011 at 2:08pm:
Lord, grant me a perfect world
Where the sun will always shine
I'm sure that you can do it, Lord
If you can turn water into wine.

~Davidf

God, grant me please a perfect world
in which the sun will always shine.
I'm sure that You can do it, Lord;
you turned mere water into wine.

deLighting in your sharing, Daniel  Cool
« Last Edit: Sep 27th, 2011 at 12:58pm by Just_Daniel »  
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nas
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Re: A Perfect World
Reply #1 - Sep 25th, 2011 at 9:35pm
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Wouldn't that be good, unlikely though.   

The last two lines feel a little long compared to the first two.  Maybe delete "that" from line 3 and "if" and "can" from the last line
  
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davidf
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A Perfect World
Sep 25th, 2011 at 2:08pm
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Lord, grant me a perfect world
Where the sun will always shine
I'm sure that you can do it, Lord
If you can turn water into wine.
~Davidf
  
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