Ouch...that aches, and brings tears.

I have to disagree with earlier nits about 'person'...I thought the variation lent itself perfectly to the quality of disassociation such pain must carry.  

Thanks for the comment on that. . .yes, that is true and interesting. . .the certain amount of disassociation that comes with such an experience. . .

As with so much of your work, the image is clear long before the intended revelation, which does absolutely nothing to spoil the denoument.  It carries.  Concernng the revisions...there's little to choose between them.  You've smoothed things a bit, yes...but it did as well, rough and jagged as the emotions it evoked.

I do like the "smoothing out" of certain things. . .but appreciate your feeling the jagged and rough. . .I dunno as I read this more. . .maybe it's a combo of the two.

Just the thoughts of an old redneck...offered alongside his tears.

One of the dearest rednecks I know. . .and appreciate. . .thanks for sharing my tears, Cowboy. . .

good to see you on for a bit as always.  My love to Vicki!

Ren

Hi ~Ren~,

I've attempted to follow the thread of discourse and found wanting.  I like your latest and honestly congratulate your poetic take of a very difficult subject to present.  I like the ocean where all life supposedly came from and supposedly eventually returns. 

Your images nuance a very heavy subject and lend a necessary light touch.

~~Don~~

deutsdove:

I like this revision much better.  You've incorporated some recommendations, yet retained your original intents for the poem.

Hello -- thanks for your comments. . .I do have a third revision going up soon. . .then I think it will rest for a while.

As I read it, there seemed to be an "ebb and flow" to the sentences; some smooth and other's short (drawing back) - which gave the feel of a sea tide's action (and what was occuring in the womb).  I felt it was a outstanding way for the reader to experience that ebb and flow, since the ocean plays a major part in your poem.  

Yes. . .the line breaks do tend to offer that feel. . .thanks for picking that up and pointing that out.  The ocean tends to make its appearance in many of my poems. . .but poignantly appropriate here.

Thanks again.

~Ren~

icepoet

Hello Ren,

Seems like a while since I've read one of your poems in Firebox. Let me just talk about the recent incarnation of this piece, and please permit me to be more succinct than I'd care to be, because I'm borrowing a computer in a cafe---still without the access to the internet at home...grrr....

Hey Tim!  So good to go over a crit from you. . .and I can understand how maddening it is to still be without internet access at your home.

Lines like 'hours sifted' or the aural play (I forget the term) of sea and seed at the end that capture my attention fully, regarding this sad event. My advise is lose the first line.

Yikes!  OMG!  Lose the first line?  *smile*  I have to say that was my reaction at first. . .but

May I be direct and break protocol for a moment? Your opening lines always move toward startling the reader to capture their interest, which is good; but, this time I feel too much is being told ahead of time and all the rest of the poem is doing is explaining what was summarily told to me in the very beginning without a significant twist or additional revelation at the end. 

I can see where you are coming from. . .and I actually warmed up to the idea. . .of whacking that off. . .you are as right as you usually are about where my poems should end.  *smile*

Consider omitting the first line and start with 'My hand...". To do this would mean you'd have to add an equivalent verb in the first line to reset the grammar correctly.

I am going to omit it. . .and am working on changing up the rest of the first stanza to flow into the syntax properly.

I rewrote S2 using all of your words, contracting just a little---perhaps the delicacy you were going for is lost and impact is too strong---you decide. I didn't see the strong tie with wearing shorts and the preceived duality of warmth with the day's temperature and the N's struggle, perhaps I'm a little too specific. See below, please.

I'm still not sold on omitting "I was". . .but will contemplate it. . .


My hand was too small
to contain the wellspring
of an ocean
with its caress
of navel and bloom.

It was warm that day, sunny. 
Wearing shorts, I lay 
cramping on the couch, knowing

the dam had broken;
blood mixed with the sweat
of your father's brow
and my tears

for a princess conceived too late
in a cove where sand 
crept in from the shore --

hours sifted

and all of life was washed
back into the sea

to flower among the Mer.

Again, I feel nit-picky, but near-barren seems to be doing the work of cove and the invading sand---or am I missing something else? I see the metaphor stronger with the cove adjective-less. 

As married as I was to near-barren. . .I agree. . .it reads more smoothly the way you wrote it.

Otherwise, beautiful and exacting in the lovely rhythms I've come to know as your signature. I should know better than to touch your balanced poems, but I just can't help myself. In the end, the rule stays the same: lose or use. 

Thanks, Tim. . .spot on as you always are. . .appreciate it!

Be well, peace unto you and your's

And to you and yours as well. . .be well!

~Ren~
~Tim