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Normal Topic I Do Remember Well (Read 96 times)
isaac
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Re: I Do Remember Well
Reply #6 - Jan 1st, 1970 at 12:00am
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ok, this is a lyric.  as i said when i posted it originally, the repeated stanza contains some of what i wanted but just didnt work for me overall.  it seems to break up the flow of the piece.

No offense norm, but the suggestion  now the only reasonable tears reads like dear abby...never seen reasonable in a poem, at least with any success...will have to pass on that one.  i also like decorate instead of ornament...ornaments are for christmas lolol.  i thought about using adorn, but it seems a clumsy word to me.

Overall, my biggest pain in the butt is the first four lines of the repeating stanza.  Norm, you were right...this one has been irritating me for a long time.

i'm working on it...and thanks.  by the way norm...i'm stealing your pencil sharpener...at least the one that sharpens your punctuation pencils. lol

isaac
  
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Just_Daniel
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Re: I Do Remember Well
Reply #5 - Jan 1st, 1970 at 12:00am
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Ah...  super....

now, do you have a tune for us to sing it to?  I'd love to have that going on in the backround while I'm reading this!

deLightingly, Daniel  8)
  
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isaac
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Re: I Do Remember Well
Reply #4 - Jan 1st, 1970 at 12:00am
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yes it's a lyric
  
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D. Allen Jenkins
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All I got was a rock
Re: I Do Remember Well
Reply #3 - Jan 1st, 1970 at 12:00am
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Daniel asked the perfect question...is this a lyric?; it certainly read like one to me.

Doug
  
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Just_Daniel
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Is this intended to be a song?
Reply #2 - Jan 1st, 1970 at 12:00am
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Approaching this piece as lyrics to a song makes offering a sensible critique very differnet, so could you please let us know a bit more about your intent for this?  Is it lyrics?

Greetings in Light of knowing further, Daniel  8)
  
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Normpo
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Re: I Do Remember Well
Reply #1 - Jan 1st, 1970 at 12:00am
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Tonight I took out your picture 
that i keep hidden in my heart. 
And I felt the rushing river; 
it seems stronger somehow 
 
Sometimes I still feel you 
when the breeze hits just right;   
when it's a sunny day, 
like when you were here. you know this line will get flagged for being a little too vernacular
But the only tears that have 
a reason now 
are for simply missing you 
how is this: Now the only reasonable tears are those that simply miss you.
 
I do remember well. 
Yes, I do remember well. 
 
Tonight I hung your picture 
and polished the memories; 
just like all the other jewels jewels or ornaments?
that decorate my life. 
 
Sometimes I still feel you 
when the breeze hits just right; 
when its a sunny day 
like when you were here. 
And the only tears that have 
a reason now 
are for simply missing you. 
I am a big fan of reps -- but a whole stanza?
 
I do remember well. 
Yes, I do remember well. same as above
 
Sometimes I hear you calling 
in the middle of the night; do yoiu need this line at all?
in the midst of remembering 
when we made love… 
when you were here. 
 
I do remember well, 
I do remember well... 
 
and I miss you so

remembering can be sad and that expression comes through quite well. I think this is one you will revise --- then put in a drawer for a while -- then re-visit it.

Use or lose my ideas.

Norm
  
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isaac
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I Do Remember Well
Jan 1st, 1970 at 12:00am
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I like this piece a lot, but i dont like the lines that say "when its a sunny day, like when you were here"
The only other thing i want to know is if it flows well and the lines and stanzas make sense.

isaac

Tonight I took out your picture
that i keep hidden in my heart.
And I felt the rushing river;
it seems stronger somehow

Sometimes I still feel you
when the breeze hits just right;
when it's a sunny day,
like when you were here.
But the only tears that have
a reason now
are for simply missing you

I do remember well.
Yes, I do remember well.

Tonight I hung your picture
and polished the memories;
just like all the other jewels
that decorate my life.

Sometimes I still feel you
when the breeze hits just right;
when its a sunny day
like when you were here.
And the only tears that have
a reason now
are for simply missing you.

I do remember well.
Yes, I do remember well.

Sometimes I hear you calling
in the middle of the night;
in the midst of remembering
when we made love…
when you were here.

I do remember well,
I do remember well...

and I miss you so.[color=Yellow][/color]
  
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