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Hot Topic (More than 10 Replies) Life (Read 41 times)
sunilmathur
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Re: Life
Reply #11 - Jan 1st, 1970 at 12:00am
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Thanks for your comments and your suggestion, about which I will I will definitely think.
  
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pinkcottoncandy
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Dance

Re: Life
Reply #10 - Jan 1st, 1970 at 12:00am
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This I like and it speaks to your style. I tend to read the post of the same writers back to back as if their post were a chap book and sometimes it proves irrelevant to my appreciation or dislike of their work but today I am rewarded. Reading your works in sucession gives me a structured glimpse into your writing that has been reviting. 
If I were to give you some feedback about the poem I would simply say mortal is a word that is like interference in a ball game. I am going to muse over it but my first instinct calls it some what redundant. I like to know what you think it adds.------------Andy
  
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sunilmathur
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Re: Life
Reply #9 - Jan 1st, 1970 at 12:00am
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Thanks Shawn for your comments and suggestion.
  
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Shawn_M._Roeder
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Re: Life
Reply #8 - Jan 1st, 1970 at 12:00am
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I really liked the imagery in this.  I actually wrote a short poem years ago that was very similar in thought that I called Wavelength.  Maybe I'll post it here in the near future.  I only had one suggestion.  I would capitalize "Shores of Time" and the "Ocean of Eternity" as if they were proper names.  In my opinion it seems to add to the metaphor.

Shawn
  
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sunilmathur
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Re: Life
Reply #7 - Jan 1st, 1970 at 12:00am
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Thanks Cyn for your suggestion.
  
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Cyn
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Re: Life
Reply #6 - Jan 1st, 1970 at 12:00am
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Hi
I would end this without a mention of eternity. It is too oft used and it is implied.

I love the rythmn in this piece, very tidal

Try it maybe like this:

Life, mortal life 
is a tide 
that touches, fleetingly, 
the shores of Time.   
With force and vigor it arrives; 
leaping, surging, bouncing, 
frolicsome and noisy; 
puts up a brief spectacle, 
then ebbs away.
  
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sunilmathur
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Re: Life
Reply #5 - Jan 1st, 1970 at 12:00am
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Thanks nas for your suggestions.
  
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sunilmathur
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Re: Life
Reply #4 - Jan 1st, 1970 at 12:00am
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Thanks nas for your suggestions.
  
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nas
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Re: Life
Reply #3 - Jan 1st, 1970 at 12:00am
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Hi Sunil

I very much like the image you paint of life particularly how it touches time fleetingly and ebbs silently into eternity.

I have a few suggestions mainly of re-arrangement.  Up to you of course whether you like it or not.

Quote:
Life, mortal life  perhaps a line break after life
is a tide
that touches fleetingly   
the shores of Time.   
With force and vigor it arrives;  I wonder about starting a new verse and beginning with "It arrives"
leaping, surging, bouncing,
frolicsome and noisy;
puts up a brief spectacle,
then ebbs silently
into the ocean of eternity.  You could say "into eternity's ocean"  

Thus

Life, 
mortal life
is a tide
that touches fleetingly
the shores of Time. 

It arrives 
with force and vigor;
leaping, surging, bouncing,
frolicsome and noisy;
puts up a brief spectacle,
then ebbs silently
into eternity's ocean.
 

  
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sunilmathur
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Re: Life
Reply #2 - Jan 1st, 1970 at 12:00am
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Thanks Daniel for your comments. I am happy you liked the poem.
  
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Just_Daniel
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Re: Life
Reply #1 - Jan 1st, 1970 at 12:00am
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Wow... great description...

and it sadly sounds like my poetry...

and I don't mean that your poetry has the ring of mine, but that your poem sounds like the life of my poetry.  LOL Grin

Thoroughly enjoyed your work.  - Daniel  8)
  
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sunilmathur
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I love YaBB 1G - SP1!

Life
Jan 1st, 1970 at 12:00am
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Life, mortal life
is a tide
that touches fleetingly
the shores of Time. 
With force and vigor it arrives;
leaping, surging, bouncing,
frolicsome and noisy;
puts up a brief spectacle,
then ebbs silently
into the ocean of eternity.
  
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