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Hello Rimbaud. . .welcome to The Firebox. . .
There is a haunting beauty to this. . .though we walk the line. . .a bit fearful of the literal meanings behind this work. It is quite common for young people to explore their solitude. . .be weary of life before it even truly begins. . .
so forgive us for the feeling of needing to "parent" those us "oldsters" feel are so young to be disheartened.
Now. . .with that out of the way. . .on to the work. Again, you astound me with your use of English as a second laguage. . .
The tender street lamps
flatter my shadow,
as I pad down the lane
of my infinite solitude
Oh, if these lights
only shone to illuminate
my eclipsed existence...
I'm deservedly desolate
I will address this two stanzas at a time. Tender is not necessarily an adjective that one would apply to street lamps. . .unless one was personifying them, which is not the case here. . .perhaps you are looking for an adjective such as "forgiving". . .in other words the soft light makes one look better. . ."forgives" faults.
As I pad down the lane of my infinite solitude. . .while this is a line that I personally like and can feel. . .it is an abstraction that other critics will likely take you to task for. . .and, in truth, if you could show us that infinite solitude. . .the poetics would flow with more visual impact.
You tell us about an eclipsed existence. . .but we can not see what has eclipsed it. . .can you? And, if you can. . .can you show us? Deservedly desolate. . .but we have been shown nothing to qualify that deservedness. . .show us as much as possible.
my umbrella's shadow
is kept from precipitation,
but rain is inevitable
in this state of mind
you want to be
my emancipator-
like a wind stripping
away all sins
I would opt to remove shadow from L1 above. . .the shadow could not actually be kept from precipitation because if there were a shadow it would extend out and away from the umbrella (unless it was straight up noon)and would most certainly be rained upon. Even if it is straight up noon. . .it is more than likely a cloudy day without sun. . .and, therefore, no shadow created. And if rain is inevitable. . .then. . .the umbrella or its shadow would not be kept from it, yes?
I absolutely love the next stanza. . .bravo. . .I can hear it. . .I can feel the wind stripping away. . .
however, I would like to see the "you" brought into the poem a bit earlier. . .who is the you. . .what is the connection.
but they won't disappear
I'm all alone now,
no hurricane could blow
away my solitude
only death can clean
my impure body,
no need to tell
where I'm flying
How did you become all alone. . .what happened to the "you" from above. . .possibly something stronger than "blow" -- a hurricane is a catastrophic condition that goes way beyond blow. . .and I may replace solitude with another emotion evoking word as you have used it already in S1.
From a metaphorical standpoint. . .and in a metapysical way. . .I can feel death as cleansing. . .for in the death of each moment of our life. . .we begin again, clean and pure. . .
as long as we're not talking literal, well, then, I won't worry. *soft smile* Possibly "there is no need to tell where I will fly. ..
I'm so far from home,
too tired to finish
something I never
even dared to start
Technically "I'm so far from home" is very American/English cliche. . .as is too tired to finish. . .try and look at things froma fresh perspective. . .which I realize is difficult to do for you as this is not your first language. . .and I applaud you always for how adept you are at utilizing English.
I like the last two lines. . .they sum it up nicely. . .and leave us with a lump in our throat. . .and the wish to lend aid. . .help the N begin. . .life.
Thanks for sharing. . .
~Ren~
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Road to Oblivion (Read 16 times)
