Based on suggestions received, I have put up a revised version for comments. And yes, Perce, I'll try to give whatever suggestions I can give in regard to your poem.

Thanks Daniel and Perce for your comments and suggestions. Let me see how far I succeed in making the poem better.

Greetings, Sun...

I don't recall reading you before, so forgive me if I've overlooked you along the way.  I see several reasons for Doug's wholesale recasting of your piece, but mainly, I found your piece to be more a narrative description of the situation and some things that it recalled rather than a poetic expression.  Doug has well transformed it into a bit of poetry.  

I'd be pleased to see specifically how you respond to his suggestions, wondering whether you expect to offer a revision or whether you prefer your piece as is.  That kind of information is tremendously helpful for those who wish to assist you in your poetic journey and to progress in their own.  

Lightly prodding, Daniel  8)

hey sun
I like this piece.  Doug shortened it a bit but left all the important elements that grabbed my attention.  It works well both ways but I have to agree w/Doug. Thanks for sharing 

sunilmathur wrote on Jan 1^st, 1970 at 12:00am:


Rewrite/Rearrangement Example


Like a breeze that brings
the scent of flowers passed,
the sound of  sweet melodies 
long forgotten mesmerize, 
touch deep emotions,
augment fond remembrance—

nostalgia returns.


Just some thoughts,

Doug