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Normal Topic EYES (Read 38 times)
Normpo
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Re: EYES
Reply #7 - Jan 1st, 1970 at 12:00am
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the metaphor and truth of this --- both great. If you go "for the swim" choose "swum"

Norm
  
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Cyn
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Re: EYES
Reply #6 - Jan 1st, 1970 at 12:00am
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Great suggestions from everyone here Writer. The poem's premise is a very good one. The metaphor is great
  
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sunilmathur
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Re: EYES
Reply #5 - Jan 1st, 1970 at 12:00am
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A short and meaningful poem. I feel the first line could be better without the initial 'As'. Perhaps we could consider a slight re-draft, as follows:

"Often have I looked 
into your eyes,
but not once
did I notice their color:
as a man
does not notice
the color of water
in which he drowns".
  
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Brique
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Re: EYES
Reply #4 - Jan 1st, 1970 at 12:00am
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Writer,

I love the simplicity of this.  I really like Doug's and Rene's suggestions.  However, I personally wouldn't want to alter  too much in fear of taking away from the succinctness of this lovely work of yours.  Here's a combination of their suggestions with one of mine.

As often as I've swam
into your eyes,
not once did I fathom their hue;
a man
does not discern
the color of water 
in which he drowns.

Monique
  
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writer
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Re: EYES
Reply #3 - Jan 1st, 1970 at 12:00am
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Doug and Rene,

thanks for the visit. 

this flowed, as I recall, with little effort not too long after my first marriage ended. As did Nostalgia.
they sat, not forgotten but certainly unattended, for lo! these many years. 

I was never completely satisfied with Eyes but couldn't say why. with your comments, I have an idea or two.

thank you both

writer
  
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duetsdove
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Re: EYES
Reply #2 - Jan 1st, 1970 at 12:00am
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What a perfect response when you do not know the color of a woman's eyes.  lolol  *whew* got out of that one, he says.  lolol

As often as I've looked 
into your eyes, 
not once 
did I notice their color, 
just as a man 
does not notice 
the water's color 
while he drowns. 

If you wanted to carry that water metaphor a bit more. . .you could replace looked with swam. . .and notice with fathom, the first notice. . .maybe see for the second notice. . .and spectrum for color. . .lots of room to play,  adding water, light, refraction. . .

Enjoyed.

~Ren~
 
  
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D. Allen Jenkins
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Re: EYES
Reply #1 - Jan 1st, 1970 at 12:00am
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writer wrote on Jan 1st, 1970 at 12:00am:
Another old piece, same era as Nostalgia


Writer,

I like this: Simple, to the point. One thought below...

Doug


EYES

As often as I've looked
into your eyes,
not once
did I notice their color[;]
just as a man
does not [never] notice[s]
the water's color
while he drowns. 

[or, may I suggest...
the color
of the water in which
he drowns.]
writer

« Last Edit: Jan 1st, 1970 at 12:00am by »  
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writer
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EYES
Jan 1st, 1970 at 12:00am
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Another old piece, same era as Nostalgia

EYES

As often as I've looked
into your eyes,
not once
did I notice their color,
just as a man
does not notice
the water's color
while he drowns.

writer
  
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