(UTC)
 Change Template: 
Choose Language:
  PoemTrain › Writer's Depot › Firebox (FB) › Hooked - Revised 1/7/07
(Moderator: Normpo)
‹ Previous Topic | Next Topic ›
Page Index Toggle Pages: 1 Send TopicPrint
Normal Topic Hooked - Revised 1/7/07 (Read 30 times)
Normpo
Forum Administrator
*****
Offline



Posts: 10834
Joined: Aug 2nd, 2003
Re: Hooked - Revised 1/7/07
Reply #5 - Jan 1st, 1970 at 12:00am
Print Post  
writer,

I am supposed to be offering solid crit in Firebox, but this looks solid to me -- you might want to opt out of the cliche, "one long gulp" if you can come up with a better swallowing image.

Norm
  
Back to top
 
IP Logged
 
Brique
Ex Member
***
Re: Hooked - Revised 1/7/07
Reply #4 - Jan 1st, 1970 at 12:00am
Print Post  
Came for another visit.  This is one of my favorites of your's.
  
Back to top
 
IP Logged
 
writer
Topic Starter Topic Starter
Ex Member
*****


life is good!
Re: Hooked - Revised 1/7/07
Reply #3 - Jan 1st, 1970 at 12:00am
Print Post  
Doug and Daniel,

originally posted here in firebox a week or so ago.

thanks for the read and the crit. changes made, but only because I agree.

Daniel, 

I'm working on another concept-type whatever. I don't want to use the word "form" because I'm not sure it has one. Anyway, I'll bust it out on Circadian in the next few days.

writer
  
Back to top
 
IP Logged
 
Just_Daniel
Ex Member
*****


Slow down; things will
go faster. ~ djr
revisiting...
Reply #2 - Jan 1st, 1970 at 12:00am
Print Post  
When I read this yesterday, I was struck with exactly the same questions Doug had, but I was too timid to ask where the original was posted... since I always value looking at others' comments. [ I also usually see the REVISION on the TOP, rather than following, by the way. ]

I have to agree also with his suggestions, so no sense reiterating them.

deLighting in your sharing, Daniel  8)
  
Back to top
 
IP Logged
 
D. Allen Jenkins
Ex Member
*****


All I got was a rock
Re: Hooked - Revised 1/7/07
Reply #1 - Jan 1st, 1970 at 12:00am
Print Post  
writer,

I didn't see the original posting, or the comments that were made. Thus, I don't know why you made the changes you did, or what Scotty and the others found lacking (but Scotty's judgement is well worthy of serious contemplation; of this I am certain) but there is certainly a lot of difference between the versions. My thoughts on the revion are within the text.

Doug




writer wrote on Jan 1st, 1970 at 12:00am:
Hooked -  Revision #1  thanks for the help, Scotty 
 
I took one sip of you
and gasped 
then drained the rest 
in one long gulp. 
 
I hold my [an...we assume it's your glass, after all] empty glass 
in trembling hands, 
eager for the scent[...]  
the taste. 
 
You ignore my need. 
You turn away  
from granting me [no] access  
to narcotic visions. 
 
Will you not fill  [will you not use won't?]
my glass again? [Again is implied and doesn't really need to be said.]


I like some of the thoughts in the original version; those dealing iwth the downward spiral that this experience took you on. I'd kinda like to see that reintroduced somehow. I thought it added desperation to the emotion. 
 
writer 

  
Back to top
 
IP Logged
 
writer
Topic Starter Topic Starter
Ex Member
*****


life is good!
Hooked - Revised 1/7/07
Jan 1st, 1970 at 12:00am
Print Post  
Hooked -  Revision #1  thanks for the help, Scotty 
 
I took one sip of you 
and gasped 
then drained the rest 
in one long gulp. 
 
I hold my empty glass 
in trembling hands. 
 
You ignore my need. 
You turn away,  
granting me 
no access  to 
narcotic visions. 
 
Won't you fill 
my glass again? 
 
 
writer 


Hooked -  Original 
 
I took one sip of you   
and gasped!   
and drained the draught   
in one long gulp.   
   
It set me on a downward path,   
a spiral twisting through my soul   
and carving out a need so great,   
so darning,   
I cannot push away   
narcotic dreams of Paradise.   
   
Now, scarred and burned   
and tortured so   
I may not live,   
I seek refuge in your smile.   
   
Will you not fill   
my glass again?   
« Last Edit: Jan 1st, 1970 at 12:00am by »  
Back to top
 
IP Logged
 
Page Index Toggle Pages: 1
Send TopicPrint
‹ Previous Topic | Next Topic ›
 
  « Board Index ‹ Board Top  

PoemTrain » Powered by YaBB 2.6.12!
YaBB Forum Software © 2000-2024. All Rights Reserved.

Valid RSS Valid XHTML Valid CSS Powered by Perl Source Forge