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Normpo
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Re: Hooked - Revised 1/7/07
Reply #5 - Jan 1st, 1970 at 12:00am
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writer,

I am supposed to be offering solid crit in Firebox, but this looks solid to me -- you might want to opt out of the cliche, "one long gulp" if you can come up with a better swallowing image.

Norm
  
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Brique
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Re: Hooked - Revised 1/7/07
Reply #4 - Jan 1st, 1970 at 12:00am
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Came for another visit.  This is one of my favorites of your's.
  
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writer
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Re: Hooked - Revised 1/7/07
Reply #3 - Jan 1st, 1970 at 12:00am
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Doug and Daniel,

originally posted here in firebox a week or so ago.

thanks for the read and the crit. changes made, but only because I agree.

Daniel, 

I'm working on another concept-type whatever. I don't want to use the word "form" because I'm not sure it has one. Anyway, I'll bust it out on Circadian in the next few days.

writer
  
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Just_Daniel
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go faster. ~ djr
revisiting...
Reply #2 - Jan 1st, 1970 at 12:00am
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When I read this yesterday, I was struck with exactly the same questions Doug had, but I was too timid to ask where the original was posted... since I always value looking at others' comments. [ I also usually see the REVISION on the TOP, rather than following, by the way. ]

I have to agree also with his suggestions, so no sense reiterating them.

deLighting in your sharing, Daniel  8)
  
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D. Allen Jenkins
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Re: Hooked - Revised 1/7/07
Reply #1 - Jan 1st, 1970 at 12:00am
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writer,

I didn't see the original posting, or the comments that were made. Thus, I don't know why you made the changes you did, or what Scotty and the others found lacking (but Scotty's judgement is well worthy of serious contemplation; of this I am certain) but there is certainly a lot of difference between the versions. My thoughts on the revion are within the text.

Doug




writer wrote on Jan 1st, 1970 at 12:00am:
Hooked -  Revision #1  thanks for the help, Scotty 
 
I took one sip of you
and gasped 
then drained the rest 
in one long gulp. 
 
I hold my [an...we assume it's your glass, after all] empty glass 
in trembling hands, 
eager for the scent[...]  
the taste. 
 
You ignore my need. 
You turn away  
from granting me [no] access  
to narcotic visions. 
 
Will you not fill  [will you not use won't?]
my glass again? [Again is implied and doesn't really need to be said.]


I like some of the thoughts in the original version; those dealing iwth the downward spiral that this experience took you on. I'd kinda like to see that reintroduced somehow. I thought it added desperation to the emotion. 
 
writer 

  
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Hooked - Revised 1/7/07
Jan 1st, 1970 at 12:00am
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Hooked -  Revision #1  thanks for the help, Scotty 
 
I took one sip of you 
and gasped 
then drained the rest 
in one long gulp. 
 
I hold my empty glass 
in trembling hands. 
 
You ignore my need. 
You turn away,  
granting me 
no access  to 
narcotic visions. 
 
Won't you fill 
my glass again? 
 
 
writer 


Hooked -  Original 
 
I took one sip of you   
and gasped!   
and drained the draught   
in one long gulp.   
   
It set me on a downward path,   
a spiral twisting through my soul   
and carving out a need so great,   
so darning,   
I cannot push away   
narcotic dreams of Paradise.   
   
Now, scarred and burned   
and tortured so   
I may not live,   
I seek refuge in your smile.   
   
Will you not fill   
my glass again?   
« Last Edit: Jan 1st, 1970 at 12:00am by »  
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