Page Index Toggle Pages: 1 Send TopicPrint
Normal Topic a scent of yesteryear (Read 32 times)
Just_Daniel
Topic Starter Topic Starter
Ex Member
*****


Slow down; things will
go faster. ~ djr

Rene...
Reply #6 - Jan 1st, 1970 at 12:00am
Print Post  
duetsdove wrote on Jan 1st, 1970 at 12:00am:
I'm reading withy. . .minus the c. . .a slender stalk. . .thus making the scansion of the line. . .read fine.

Yes, that would fit, no one having seen my intended word because of the typo... but I'm pondering withy now!

I'm having a bit of trouble with two words. . .splayed and grit. . .not their correct usage in the work. . .but the tonality of the words with regard to the subject matter. . .I'd rather say sand. . .smoother I feel.  And splayed feels too. . .Penthouse. . . 

I see your meaning in both... but I wanted to steer clear of 'sand' if I could.  I'll have to replace splayed, I guess.

I agree on the lack of  "from" prefacing whence. . .if you wish to use the feminine. . .perhaps

from palaces of ice from whence she's sent
. . .and switch wizard to goddess.

That has a lot of promise.  I'm pondering.  Thanks!

and. . .I know I've done things like this before.  . .but. . .for some reason I'm tripping over the eye hearing the black hole blink from sight.

Well, it's a bit of an experiment for me.  Maybe I'm stretching my creativity a bit thin, huh?

Overall, however, this is a beautiful poem. . .just lovely.  .and one of my favorites of yours, Daniel.

~Rene~

... so I'll have to keep working on making it more favorite, then! Wink

strugglin' sLightly with revision... again... Daniel  8)
  
Back to top
 
IP Logged
 
Just_Daniel
Topic Starter Topic Starter
Ex Member
*****


Slow down; things will
go faster. ~ djr

Doug...
Reply #5 - Jan 1st, 1970 at 12:00am
Print Post  
ALL of your observations deserve careful consideration:

Witchy was what I intended, but withy is interesting.  Hadn't seen that word before.

~ I think you're right that some of the lines are too dependent upon careful observation of the punctuation, and I may have to provide full-stops in a place or two to remove the complexity.  May lose something in that, but may also gain ease of reading.

~ I'm pondering the masculine vs. feminine, not having pondered the fact that wizard is masculine; I was thinking generic!

~ Whence is a problem, I admit.

~ My eye will consider opening the other one.  Roll Eyes

deLighting in your visit, Daniel  8)
  
Back to top
 
IP Logged
 
Just_Daniel
Topic Starter Topic Starter
Ex Member
*****


Slow down; things will
go faster. ~ djr

Norm...
Reply #4 - Jan 1st, 1970 at 12:00am
Print Post  
Normpo wrote on Jan 1st, 1970 at 12:00am:

but weeks ago, stands withcy now, stripped stark
with >> also,  I read "stripped" in the old two-syllable method to keep the meter - which  I think is fine
withcy was a typo.  Supposed to be witchy !

....

The grit of time can never pause; it's caught 
between the gears… naught but an afterthought.

is the "grit" the antecedent of the "afterthought"?
Yes, but specifically, the grit of time.

L2 is bumpy unless the modern reader doesn't trip on "stripped"
Again, that 'bump' was because of the typo.
The enjambments are pretty smooth -- you are good
Thanks.  Grin
There is a lot of non-forced alliteration which I always like though L10 seems a bit contrived IMHO -- yes, the "hearing" part I like but the 3 B's might be over the top.
I think 3 B's might be over the top too... but my eye only hears 2!  Perhaps an eye-lash is stuck?
I love... no, change that, I REALLY love the final couplet. It has such power and conjures up so much.

Fine piece, Daniel --- can't find any major nits.

Norm

Then I shouldn't worry that lice will grow on this one?  Grin Thanks for your thoughtful visit, Norm!

Lightly, Daniel  8)
« Last Edit: Jan 1st, 1970 at 12:00am by »  
Back to top
 
IP Logged
 
duetsdove
Ex Member
*****



Re: a scent of yesteryear
Reply #3 - Jan 1st, 1970 at 12:00am
Print Post  
I'm reading withy. . .minus the c. . .a slender stalk. . .thus making the scansion of the line. . .read fine.

I'm having a bit of trouble with two words. . .splayed and grit. . .not their correct usage in the work. . .but the tonality of the words with regard to the subject matter. . .I'd rather say sand. . .smoother I feel.  And splayed feels too. . .Penthouse. . . 

I agree on the lack of  "from" prefacing whence. . .if you wish to use the feminine. . .perhaps

from palaces of ice from whence she's sent. . .and switch wizard to goddess.

and. . .I know I've done things like this before.  . .but. . .for some reason I"m tripping over the eye hearing the black hole blink from sight.

Overall, however, this is a beautiful poem. . .just lovely.  .and one of my favorites of yours, Daniel.

~Rene~

« Last Edit: Jan 1st, 1970 at 12:00am by »  
Back to top
 
IP Logged
 
D. Allen Jenkins
Ex Member
*****


All I got was a rock

Re: a scent of yesteryear
Reply #2 - Jan 1st, 1970 at 12:00am
Print Post  
Daniel.

Happy New Year, my friend. Lovely expression of New Year Iambs. I guess they aren't just for sonnets any more. My thoughts are in the text...

Doug

Just_Daniel wrote on Jan 1st, 1970 at 12:00am:
a scent of yesteryear

Sweet rose of summer, stirring love and dreams
but weeks ago, stands withcy [withy?] now, stripped stark [I like the enjambment here, but it is a tricky one indeed, One must pay close attention and give ample emphasis to the punctuation to carry this one correctly.]
of all her petals, leaves… mere thorny bark
remains to cast a spell in silent screams.
The winter wizard shows [perhaps...makes...fits better?] her [his] [isn't wizard masculine?] cool descent
from palaces of ice whence she [he] was sent. 
[The lack of "from" as whence's preposition is a bit awkward to me, Daniel. Perhaps...From palaces of ice from whence he's sent...?]
Another year has slipped into the night
of yesterdays that fade beyond the stars
splayed out in silken nothingness as far
as eye can hear a black hole blink from sight.
[I like the language here, the images, the metaphors, but this is a little too run on even for me. And again, as with whence, some usual prepositions are absent for the sake of meter. It is a sacrifice I can appreciate, but it creates some double-back moments for me; i.e. ...as far/ as eye can hear..... Making eye plural (eyes) is the simplist fix I can see.  Roll Eyes Tongue]

The grit of time can never pause; it's caught
between the gears… naught but an afterthought.

© MLee Dickens'son 03 Jan 2006

« Last Edit: Jan 1st, 1970 at 12:00am by »  
Back to top
 
IP Logged
 
Normpo
Forum Administrator
*****
Offline



Posts: 10834
Joined: Aug 2nd, 2003
Re: a scent of yesteryear
Reply #1 - Jan 1st, 1970 at 12:00am
Print Post  
a scent of yesteryear 
 
Sweet rose of summer, stirring love and dreams 
but weeks ago, stands withcy now, stripped stark with >> also,  I read "stripped" in the old two-syllable method to keep the meter - which  I think is fine
of all her petals, leaves… mere thorny bark 
remains to cast a spell in silent screams. 
The winter wizard shows her cool descent 
from palaces of ice whence she was sent.  
 
Another year has slipped into the night 
of yesterdays that fade beyond the stars 
splayed out in silken nothingness as far 
as eye can hear a black hole blink from sight. 
The grit of time can never pause; it's caught 
between the gears… naught but an afterthought. is the "grit" the antecedent of the "afterthought"?

L2 is bumpy unless the modern reader doesn't trip on "stripped

The enjambments are pretty smooth -- you are good

There is a lot of non-forced alliteration which I always like though L10 seems a bit contrived IMHO -- yes, the "hearing" part I like but the 3 B's might be over the top.

I love, no change that, I REALLY love the final couplet. It has such power and conjures up so much.

Fine piece, Daniel --- can't find any major nits.

Norm
« Last Edit: Jan 1st, 1970 at 12:00am by »  
Back to top
 
IP Logged
 
Just_Daniel
Topic Starter Topic Starter
Ex Member
*****


Slow down; things will
go faster. ~ djr

a scent of yesteryear
Jan 1st, 1970 at 12:00am
Print Post  
a scent of yesteryear

Sweet rose of summer, stirring love and dreams
but weeks ago, stands witchy now, stripped stark
of all her petals, leaves… mere thorny bark
remains to cast a spell in silent screams.
The winter wizard shows her cool descent
from palaces of ice whence she was sent. 

Another year has slipped into the night
of yesterdays that fade beyond the stars
splayed out in silken nothingness as far
as eye can hear a black hole blink from sight.
The grit of time can never pause; it's caught
between the gears… naught but an afterthought.

© MLee Dickens'son 03 Jan 2006
« Last Edit: Jan 1st, 1970 at 12:00am by »  
Back to top
 
IP Logged
 
Page Index Toggle Pages: 1
Send TopicPrint