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Hot Topic (More than 10 Replies) Empty Lap (Revised) (Read 95 times)
D. Allen Jenkins
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All I got was a rock

Re: Empty Lap (Revised)
Reply #19 - Jan 1st, 1970 at 12:00am
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Cyn & Rene,

Thanks for your input. I will rethink a couple of those wisdom gilded suggestions. 

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For what it's worth, I still do not think the above line [it couldn't] is necessary.


Here is part of my continuing dilemma: 

To write in your natural tone is to write as you would typically speak. I, as a speaker, would use the redundancy with effective impact. It may be that effective written communication is tempered differently enough that such redundancies are not wise, but it is the natural way I speak and form a thought. 

Quote:
I would agree with Cyn that thus sounds too formal. . .and was partial to the "now".


I prefer the original use of "now"; but, ironically enough, I make "thus" a typical part of my daily, i.e. casual, vocabulary. Thus, it is quite informal to my ear. This being said, I believe I shall return to the now.

Thanks again,

Doug
  
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duetsdove
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Re: Empty Lap (Revised)
Reply #18 - Jan 1st, 1970 at 12:00am
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[quote author=D. Allen Jenkins link=board=f-box;num=1166161329;start=0#0 date=12/15/06 at 00:42:09]Empty Lap (Revision I)

We had an understanding;

Personally I miss the "you and I'. . .I know you say it  below. . .but it lent an intimacy to the conversation for me. . .I tend to use repetition in my work, though, if I feel the poetics and/or needed emphasis benefit by it.

you wanted to stay,
I didn’t want you to go.

Nightly we shared these desires
through purrs and ear scratchings
while you curled up on my lap—as if we believed 
sheer will could do what nothing else could...

... it couldn’t.

For what it's worth, I still do not think the above line is necessary.

Thus, I sit alone, empty lapped, 
watching CSI with no expectation
of solving the reasons why.

I would agree with Cyn that thus sounds too formal. . .and was partial to the "now". . .because it brings us full circle in emotive content. . .to the present moment. . .with that empty lap.

Just a couple more cents.

~Rene~


D. Allen Jenkins

« Last Edit: Jan 1st, 1970 at 12:00am by »  
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Cyn
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Re: Empty Lap (Revised)
Reply #17 - Jan 1st, 1970 at 12:00am
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Yes I felt it was redundant and did not really add. You say YOU wanted to stay, *I* didn't want you to go. The *you* and *I* are there. And you already say we.

If you wrote You and I had an understanding, then it would not be as redundant, and you would set up in the first line that you were talking about a you and an I but I also don't think that is necessary and sounds a bit formal for this piece.

I also think Thus sounds too formal and would use "and so"

But this is just my opinion  Wink
Cyn
  
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D. Allen Jenkins
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Re: Empty Lap (Revised)
Reply #16 - Jan 1st, 1970 at 12:00am
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Shawn_M._Roeder wrote on Jan 1st, 1970 at 12:00am:
I immediately connected with this...  


Thank you Shawn. I am indebted to your kindness.

Doug
  
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D. Allen Jenkins
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Re: Empty Lap (Revised)
Reply #15 - Jan 1st, 1970 at 12:00am
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pinkcottoncandy wrote on Jan 1st, 1970 at 12:00am:
This is exceptional. The pacing and the quiet character development really shine. I am sorry for your loss. 

Thanks, Andy; I appreciate your stopping by and spending some time with my effort, as well as you condolences.

Two things, restore the "you and I" because it added to the voice of the poem and now without it the yearning tone is compromised. 

I was on the fence with this, as it seems redundant given the next two lines. Though she didn't give a reason, I percieved that Cyn may have been thinking in the same vein with her comments, and I always defer to my superiors.  Wink

However, my choice to include it originally was made because I felt it strengthened the relationship angle.

Perhaps I will have to see if anyone else weighs in on this issue to get a better feel for what is best; if there is any such determination that can be made.



Another thing is that using the term  CSI will date this poem. I always think it best to use terms that won't expire. I think its a rather akward choice. 

I am not as concerned with dating; especially given the extreme popularity of the family of shows that are CSI and the fact of DVD releases that will now become a permanent part of estate settlements from here to eternity. Besides, if I can still watch TV shows from the 50's on TV and make reference to Leave It To Beaver, or Andy Griffith in a contemporary poem that would not necessarily date me to that time period.

Other than that status quo!----------Andy

And again, I am grateful.

Doug

  
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pinkcottoncandy
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Dance

Re: Empty Lap (Revised)
Reply #14 - Jan 1st, 1970 at 12:00am
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This is exceptional. The pacing and the quiet character development really shine. I am sorry for your loss. 

Two things, restore the "you and I" because it added to the voice of the poem and now without it the yearning tone is compromised. Another thing is that using the term  CSI will date this poem. I always think it best to use terms that won't expire. I think its a rather akward choice. 

Other than that status quo!----------Andy
  
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Shawn_M._Roeder
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Roll with the punches
to get to what's real!

Re: Empty Lap (Revised)
Reply #13 - Jan 1st, 1970 at 12:00am
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I immediately connected with this.  I hate to say it, but the deaths that have been the most painful for me over the years have been the deaths of my pets.  I watched my dog get hit and killed by a car when I was nine.  That was my first true experience with the sting of death.  I remember being twenty-six and comforting my cat as it died purring away, old and satisfied.  My children want a pet so bad and I would love them to have one.  I believe the love a child feels for a pet really can help them to develop emotionally.  Unfortunately, as a single-parent who works full-time and goes to school full-time, I can't take on the extra responsibility.  Hopefully one day they'll know the joys and pains of caring for a pet.
  
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D. Allen Jenkins
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Re: Empty Lap (Revised)
Reply #12 - Jan 1st, 1970 at 12:00am
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Cyn wrote on Jan 1st, 1970 at 12:00am:
Is Sculley the remaining cat?


No, Fox is. We had an outside cat named Scully, but she was hit by a car several years ago. Fox and Mulder were brothers. 

Doug
  
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Cyn
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Re: Empty Lap (Revised)
Reply #11 - Jan 1st, 1970 at 12:00am
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Is Sculley the remaining cat?
  
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D. Allen Jenkins
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All I got was a rock

Re: Empty Lap (Revised)
Reply #10 - Jan 1st, 1970 at 12:00am
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Cyn,

Thanks for your visit to my mourning. I have made some changes to the poem, largely from Rene's and your thoughts, and a couple of my own. 

Free verse is always a foreign language to me. But I'm trying to understand it better.

Doug
  
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D. Allen Jenkins
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All I got was a rock

Re: Empty Lap (Revised)
Reply #9 - Jan 1st, 1970 at 12:00am
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Writer,

Thanks for stopping by. We are strongly considering getting another cat to keep company with our remaining cat. Not to "replace" Mulder, but to renew the joy of sharing life. Nothing can replace a relationship with another; they are as unique in there construction as snowflakes. No two the same, but all are beautiful. 

Doug
  
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Cyn
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Re: Empty Lap
Reply #8 - Jan 1st, 1970 at 12:00am
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Oh
I am so worn out from losing animals. It never gets easier with practice. I am sorry Doug. I know the loss you feel too well  Cry .

I do have a few suggestions for your poem. 

We had an understanding, you and I—
 
You wanted to stay; 
I didn’t want you to go. 
 
So every night we shared these desires 
through purrs and ear scratchings 
as you curled up on my lap—as if we believed   
sheer will could do what nothing else could. 
 
Alas, it couldn’t.
 
Now I sit alone, empty lapped,   
watching CSI with no expectation 
of solving the reasons why.
  
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writer
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life is good!

Re: Empty Lap
Reply #7 - Jan 1st, 1970 at 12:00am
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someone said "If cat's could speak to humans, they wouldn't"

I've a feeling that you and the cat had many conversations, just as Sam and I have had.
Sam is gone as well and though two kittens have deigned to honor our house with their presence (at least that's way they look at it), neither of them is Sam. Now I have to learn to speak kitten.

in the last stanza, "I sit alone now" would flow a little better than the current construct.

maybe change the last line to "of understanding why" or "of knowing why" or something like that.

nice piece, nice tribute.

writer
  
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D. Allen Jenkins
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All I got was a rock

Re: Empty Lap
Reply #6 - Jan 1st, 1970 at 12:00am
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nas wrote on Jan 1st, 1970 at 12:00am:
Very sad.  I'm sorry for your loss Doug.  Your lap must feel very empty.



Thank you nas. My lap is rather barren, though our other cat, his brother, is still a constant presence. Still, it is not the same.

Doug
  
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D. Allen Jenkins
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Re: Empty Lap
Reply #5 - Jan 1st, 1970 at 12:00am
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duetsdove wrote on Jan 1st, 1970 at 12:00am:
Hey there!  Nice to read you again. . .it's been a while.

This is heart-wrenchingly lovely. . .I am a cat-lover. . .have two. . .lost them both. . .have two again. . .one who is escpecially cuddly as this one must have been. . .I've known that empty lap.

jmho. . .I would omit "alas, it couldn't". . .simply going into the last stanza.   Also might consider eliminating "so" in L4. . .and possibly replace the first as in L6. . .with "while". . .

Lovely. . .bittersweet. . .and lovely.

~Rene~


Rene,

Sorry...I missed your comment somehow. Thanks for stopping by. As usual you have made some excellent points. I must admit a certain lack of critical editing on this one. It was more of a cathartic exercise than anything else. I will attend to your suggestions. 

Yes, I have not been as active as I would like to be; I hope this will change in the coming year. 

Thanks again,

Doug
  
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